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Real Madrid Stages of Grief

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Not winning is not fun! But we can get through it.

Gonzalo Arroyo Moreno

Look, friends. We're lucky to be fans of an organization which has success in its DNA. At the time of this writing, Real Madrid has approximately 1.7 million trophies in its cabinet and I think it's safe to say that that's not an exaggeration at all. Nope, totally accurate number. However, success can sometimes breed a desire, nay, a demand for trophies, and that's a tricky slope to go down as you'll inevitably end up disappointed at some point, since no club can win everything. Ambition is one thing, but expectations for success every time out is another.

That's why Dr. Bozz is here to guide you through the sad times when our favorite club doesn't come out on top (kind of like Barça in every single competition last season). You may have heard of the Kübler-Ross model, a.k.a. "the five stages of grief" before, but what do they know. I'm here to provide you the tried and tested method of coming to grips with Real Madrid drawing or losing a key game.

So without further ado, here is Dr. Bozz's foolproof 10 Stages of Real Madrid Grief:

  1. Anger. Cuss your heart out in as many languages as you can, and given MM's international readership I'd say we could form a United Nations of obscenities if we put our minds to it. Or punch your commemorative Cristiano Ronaldo pillow as hard as you can to vent. Just avoid that million dollar face of his.
  2. Denial. Did Gerard Pique really wakka-wakka his way into deflecting that Bale shot at the last second? Did Benjamin Button- I mean, Arjen Robben, really just dive his way to his 17th penalty kick in one leg? Did Flo Pérez derail the progress of this organization by not giving Lass "The Legend" Diarra a lifetime contract? Question every life decision you've ever made and the negative butterfly effect it could've had on Real Madrid.
  3. Blame Illarra. This one is pretty straightforward.
  4. Bargaining. Maybe if I pray at my shrine of Bodo Illgner, Carlo will use all of his substitutes before the 88th minute for once in a big game.
  5. Look at this.
  6. And then watch this.
  7. Depression. Okay, but why can't we have moments like that ALL the time. Start to question why you follow this club and if it's worth the troubles it goes through sometimes. Maybe consider following Deportivo WankaClub Atlético Chaco For Ever or Botswana Meat Commission F.C. in order to spare yourself from the thought of Real Madrid not winning.
  8. Blame Dark Lord Mourinho. And stab your Mou voodoo doll repeatedly for 20 minutes. Then chuck it out the window.
  9. Acceptance. Okay, maybe I CAN get through this. Maybe the combined powers of Carlo's 'brow, Luka's hair, Xabi's beard, Bale's hair band, Marcelo's fro and Cristiano's perfectly manicured eyebrows can combine to form some sort of Voltron of Hair to guide us through even the hard times. Maybe we actually learn more from our failures than our successes. These guys have been here before, they can deal with and grow from the setbacks.
  10. Blame Illarra again. One more time shouldn't hurt.

Feeling better?

But, all jokes aside, don't let these results derail your life or lead you into doing something silly (like the barfights some MM users apparently got into when Real was losing). At the end of the day it's just a game and, if the players can bounce back and be all smiles in training the next day, we should have the capacity to do the same. Remember how many times early last season we said the campaign is over because of a draw or loss and yet the team was right in the thick of things almost until the end? If there's one club you can't ever count out it's this one, Sergio in the 93rd minute is proof of that.

So yes, vent and do what you have to do but try and keep things in perspective. As Ireland wisely loves to say, these players aren't machines and just because this club is a highly successful one doesn't mean that success will come each and every time. Just roll with the punches and calma!

(If all else fails, #blowuptheteam.)