Two things look certain right now. First, Real Madrid will beat Atlético. There's no other way around it. The second one, Diego Simeone will come up with the most ridiculous excuses at the end of the game. While saying lots of random, ridiculous crap is one of his many talents, it must be a bit hard to do so on a daily basis so, let's be nice for a while and help him with this tremendous burden:
1. "That budget, man!"
Ah, the oldest excuse in the book. Good. Look, before you go mad or start calling him a hypocrite or anything, let's just take this big, big lie as Simeone's way of saying "they have more money because they're, unlike us, at least a bit likeable!". Simeone is a man of the people (or at least of *some* people) so if he feels like a super hero saying this kind of stuff let him. Also, it's good for the laughs.
2. "We didn't even know these 'red cards' thingies existed, yo!"
Well, my good man, you shouldn't have treated the game like it was a UFC match! Oh, right. The match hasn't happened yet. It doesn't matter.
We know we'll be organizing a revolution at least a couple of times tonight when guys like Ronaldo or Modric are being brutally kicked or "softened" by players like Siqueira. Most likely, there'll be a couple situations where the ref should use that shiny little red card and we freaking know it. With that, ‘Mono' Burgos will threaten the ref about eating him right there (which would be a lot more violent and grotesque than our revolution) even if there's a Real Madrid player broken and bleeding (knock on wood) 20 meters away. Burgos won't be complaining about the call. He'll go nuts because it's been a while since they've seen one against Real Madrid (no, Simeone patting the ref's head doesn't count since he's not a player). "We've done everything to these guys and nothing happened. We thought those red cards were a thing of the past. At least for us. You know, because we're so humble and stuff." Nice try, ‘Cholo'. Nice try.
3. "We got the wrong Mexican!"
Chicharito > Raúl Jiménez. Sorry, that's just undeniable. Not because Hernández is a beast or anything, but when you're called "Little Pea" AND you play at Real Madrid, you just won life. Period. And no, Manchester United doesn't even count. Are you kidding me? That can barely be considered a football club these days!
Look, as an América fan, Jiménez's former club, I actually like(d?) him and know how talented he is. Still, Chicharito is, right now, a better player. Sure, Burgos will hear "Chicharito" and he'll think he should eat him as he is devouring that juicy ref (see excuse number two) but he'll know more about Javier Hernández when he scores a couple goals for Real Madrid.
As for the other guy, Atleti's fans don't even like Jiménez because of some pro-Real Madrid tweets. Well, DUH. Forget about them not liking Raúl, does HE even like them? I wouldn't. Don't let them change you, Raúl!
4. "My favourite Real Madrid player didn't even start tonight and it basically ruined our whole game plan"
Heh. Just for the lulz. Of course he's starting. Right?
5. "Ancelotti, for the first time in like EVER, didn't lie about Ronaldo being 100%. That eyebrow is an evil creature but hey, at least we have Burgos!"
Sorry, I like making fun of Burgos, even though he could eat me without breaking a sweat. And I mean, Burgos vs Carlo's eyebrow? I'd pay some good money to see that. Mayweather vs Maidana? PLEASE.
What? Oh, right. Sorry. Yeah, we know Cristiano will destroy Atlético. I say he scores two goals. One will be a long shot and the other will be a PK as Simeone pats the ref on the head again. Who's with me?
6. "Di María didn't create enough controversy after he left and that's just not being a good sportsman!"
Well, in case you weren't outraged by #4, let's all remember how much Di María sucked after leaving. And you know Simeone will talk about him, like he ALWAYS does.
7. "They're athletes, macho. Wait, why didn't you, stupid reporters, start clapping as soon as I walked in here? I'm out of here!"
Hi, Pep! Another master of excuses. And thank you, Sergio Ramos. That game in Lisbon was pretty cool. (Just for context, in Simeone's post-match presser after the CL final, the reporters started clapping when Simeone entered the room for some damn reason. And you thought I was being ridiculous.)
So, that's it. I'm sure he's a lot more creative than I am. If you can come up with some ideas for him, please do it. All this budget and we can't even do that for him? Come on.