Ask Donald J. Pique

Welcome to Ask Donald J. Pique, a new weekly column where we answer your questions as the unholy amalgam of social media loving Barcelona centerback Gerard Pique and social media loving US presidential candidate Donald J. Trump. Because we didn’t have any questions this week (because, to be frank, we didn’t ask and I'm pretty busy) we’ve decided to make some up. In the future, please send your questions in to @managingmadrid on Twitter.

Question: why are you doing this, for the love of God? --Angry Barcelona Fan

Answer: Wow. Whoa. That is some group of people. Thousands. So nice, thank you very much. It’s great to be at the Camp Nou. So nice, thank you very much. It’s great to be in a wonderful city, Barcelona. And it’s an honor to have everybody here.

This is beyond anybody’s expectations. There’s been no crowd like this. And, I can tell, some of the teams, they went in. They didn’t know the air-conditioner didn’t work. They sweated like dogs. They didn’t know the pitch was too big, because they didn’t have anybody there.

How are they going to beat Real Madrid? I don’t think it’s gonna happen. Our team is in serious trouble. We don’t have victories anymore. We used to have victories, but we don’t have them.

When was the last time anybody saw us beating, let’s say, Real Madrid in a big match? They kill us. But I beat Real Madrid all the time. All the time.

When did we beat Atletico at anything? They send their players over by the millions, and what do we do? When was the last time you saw a Barcelona player on Atletico? It doesn’t happen, folks. They beat us all the time.

When do we beat Real Madrid at the back line? They’re laughing at us, at our defensive stupidity. And now they are beating us on the pitch. They are not our friend, believe me. But they’re killing us on the pitch. Barcelona has become a dumping ground for everybody else’s problems.

Thank you. It’s true, and these are the best and the finest.

When Atletico sends its people, they’re not sending their best. They’re not sending you. They’re not sending you. They’re sending people that have lots of problems, and they’re bringing those problems with them. They’re bringing tax evasion prosecutions. They’re bringing FIFA sanctions. They’re dirty players. And some, I assume, are good people.

Sadly, the Barcelona dream is dying.

But if I get elected player-coach of Barcelona I will bring it back bigger and better and stronger than ever before, and we will make Barca great again. Thank you. Thank you very much.