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Definitive Proof that Real Madrid Will Win the UEFA Champions League Final

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Sometimes correlation does imply causation. And sometimes, the facts are just too clear to deny.

Pier Marco Tacca/Getty Images

Recently, two literary journeys have led me to understand that there lay powers at work, hidden from our eyes, which will directly influence the outcome of this year's UEFA Champions League Final. The first was the most recent article crafted in equal skill as all the rest, from the underrated sirens of the winged word at Unusual Efforts.  The second, a re-read of Umberto Eco's Foucault's Pendulum which, much to my dismay/pleasure, resulted in yet another intellectual violation of the cranium.

The power of both have combined to provide my mind alone the ability to appreciate the devious machinations that have been in place for the last 20 years. Bear witness, dear readers, as you will be privy to dark secrets for which others have given their lives to protect. Be warned. Be cautious. Be prepared to deny everything.

Our story is as old as time, but for the sake of brevity, we begin in the year 1996. Still four years prior to Florentino Perez taking the helm, and four years after the UEFA Champions League received its current naming. 20 years to the day will be May 28th, the day that will be the culmination of two decades of scheming, dealing, planning. It's no coincidence that 20 years is two times the number of trophies Real Madrid have currently won in this tournament and as our proof is made apparent, alas, I will already be revealing too much, I can't betray the secret of the number 20.

Let's proceed again. In 1996, Florentino Perez was already hatching his bid for global football dominance. He had been captivated by, and finally inducted into, a centuries-old group (who's history and mystery we don't have time for in this article) that began fostering an elite cadre, who's Machiavellian mission is to completely dominate the world's commercial and residential development. Their singular purpose - to hold sway over every major government in all manner of construction. Nothing is to be built without their hand.

In order to accomplish this, they've been aided by a secret cabal who has somehow managed to coral the powers of the ancients, both in mysticism and numerology, to influence, or at the very least predict, the outcome of certain sporting events, in this case, football. The ability to foretell, and plan accordingly, allows them work their way through the football world amassing huge fortunes to funnel into their global development projects, bribe elected officials, and influence all. The most recent example of this? The untimely fall from grace and position of a man who was getting too greedy, who sold out his sinister brothers for the massive bribes from two world cup bidding countries. Nothing escapes their reach.

All of this would read the ravings of a madman, were it not for the proof I was recently handed. A secret document by a defector of this sinister organization, that illustrates clearly the understanding this group has for that which lies beneath, the basis behind their evil plot, and, the legend by which to decipher their foretelling.

Against my better judgement, I have decided to share key portion of it with you.


(The following are excerpts directly from the recovered document)

It begins thusly that the current manager Zinedine Zidane accumulated 1 UEFA Champions League trophy as a player for Real Madrid in 2002, which is 12 years prior to the 1 as an assistant coach, plus the 1 he will win on the 28th of May (or 2 as a coach) - 1 and 2 = 12 and 12 is the number of years in between the last two Champions League trophies. Also 212 is the total number of matches that Real Madrid and Atletico Madrid have played in El Derbi Madrileno.

1+ 2 is also 3. The number of brother Perez siblings overseeing our efforts in the Grupo ACS development company. In addition, Zinedine Zidane is 43 years old having been born on the 23rd of June. There were 3 UEFA Champions League-winning coaches to this point, and the sum of the numerical values of Zinedine Zidane's name divided by 14, is 3.

Additionally, the year 2016 (ending in 6, the number of times Real Madrid have played Atletico Madrid in the UEFA Champions League), the year Zinedine Zidane will win the UEFA Champions League as coach, minus 2 years since the last win is 14 = the number of times that Real Madrid have traveled to Stadio Guiseppe Meazza and lost, thus ending this streak. Also, in league play, 158 derbis have been played, the sum of those numbers is also 14. Zinedine Zidane also has 14 letters in his name. All of the preceeding ending in four, the number of wins (no losses) Real Madrid have had against Atletico Madrid in the UEFA Champions League.

Finally, the number of years between the Real Madrid Managers who have won the UEFA Champions League since 1996 is 4, 12, 14 - demonstrated as follows:

Jupp Heynckes 1998

Guus Hiddink

John Toshack

4. Vicente del Bosque 2000, 2002

Carlos Queiroz

Jose Antonio Camacho

Mariano Garcia Remon

Vanderlei Luxemburgo

Juan Ramon Lopez Caro

Fabio Capello

Bernd Schuster

Juande Ramos

Manuel Pellegrini

Jose Mourinho

12. Carlo Ancelotti - 2014

Rafael Benitez

14. Zinedine Zidane


After the first or second reading of the above, I was, like you are undoubtedly now, highly skeptical. After all, numbers can be a pliable ally when one so desires.

But what follows caused me to tremble, to shiver just slightly, as my sensibilities were cast in doubt almost to the point of belief.

Further excerpt:

Ever since the European Champion Clubs Cup became the UEFA Champions League, Real Madrid have never won a UEFA Champions League and La Liga in the same year. In each of the years they did win the UEFA Champions League, they placed, in decreasing order, 5th, 4th, 3rd (twice) and now 2nd. The aggregate of their total combined points in each of the years mentioned above, divided by the aforementioned 14, equals 11, a number which speaks for itself.

After all this, there is little left in me. I've been all-consumed with these numbers dancing 'round my head. It's almost as if they've taken a life of their own and begun to show me root and cause of all things.

One thing I know for certain. Either bow to those who wield the power and pray to bask in their glory, or run to the farthest ends of the earth and hide.

Either way, I wouldn't wager any money on Atletico Madrid winning the UEFA Champions League if I was you.