Before I begin, I would like to thank Managing Madrid for allowing me to be a guest writer on this site. It is an utter privilege to be here and I dearly that I could be a regular contributor on this platform.
Anyway, my name is Om Arvind and I am the managing editor of the BS section for several Spanish tabloids. I am quite famous across the world, boasting an impressive 270 followers on twitter along with countless other high profile connections.
Today I will be teaching you all how to analyze things at a professional level for these tabloids. This is normally a graduate level course, which means I was required to complete: Basic bullshit 101, Utter Rubbish 205, and Mastering the Art of Deception 313. However I have streamlined these courses into one simple article so that anyone can learn!
The First Steps
The first thing to do before you even begin to analyze pictures or videos is to pick an easy target to analyze. It is best to avoid subjects of real substance because this will invite critical analysis of your work and (god forbid) will welcome intelligent thought (so proper match reports, tactical pieces, and fact-based news reporting is against the rules of all the organizations I work for). So let us pick an easy target from Real Madrid. How about Cristiano Ronaldo? He's the most famous footballer on earth, makes incredibly expressive facial expression, says cocky things, and is easy to hate.
The next thing you should do is pick a piece to dissect. Like I said before, it is important to ignore content that contains actual substance. So it is necessary to pick something irrelevant, like an interaction between two players on the bench or a random facial expression completely taken out of context. For our purposes I have already picked a video; Ronaldo's reactions before, during, and after, the penalty shoot-out between Portugal and Poland.
CR7 led #POR like a captain should vs #POL, ordered Moutinho to take a penalty, motivated the team & the emotions. pic.twitter.com/HtGEtDEDtt— M.A.J (@UItraSuristic) July 2, 2016
The first step you should take is to watch the whole video, because it is important to not appear misinformed to readers. After you have done that, breathe deep, relax, conjure your inner Grinch, and think of the most twisted way to interpret the video that you have just seen.
The first detail to notice is that Cristiano Ronaldo is confronting Fernando Santos. Remember, Ronaldo has a media image of being a domineering figure in the dressing room, thus it is key that we present him that way. Luckily, Ronaldo makes it easy for us. See him going up to Fernando Santos in the beginning of the video? That is obviously Ronaldo telling his manager to stand down and leave all the decisions to him. Supporting evidence for this is immediately presented when Ronaldo bullies Joao Moutinho into taking a penalty. He arrogantly cocks his head and points his finger at Moutinho, before admonishing the diminutive midfielder for not being as brave as the great Cristiano. Ronaldo's wild hand movements in this conversation are evidence of his hysteria.
The next portion of this video displays Ronaldo briefly complaining about Moutinho to his teammates before he kisses the ball as if he owns it. He then scores his penalty, celebrates ridiculously like he's scored an all important spot kick, and boasts about it to his teammates. The latter claim is supported by the way Ronaldo dashes over to Ricardo Quaresma and shoves his incredible penalty into his face. Forced to oblige, Quaresma grudgingly gives his captain a high five.
Now we get to the most important part. After bullying Quaresma, Ronaldo goes and stands away from all his teammates at a distance of exactly 10.253692 feet. This is not only an obvious ploy to draw the cameras to him, but is also evidence of the distaste Ronaldo has for his teammates and teamwork in general. When Ronaldo does head towards his teammates, it is to only use them as a physical shield to stem his emotional insecurity when watching the penalty shoot-out. A true leader would have stood side-by-side with his teammates and would've taken it like a man.
The second time Ronaldo hides behind his teammates, Ronaldo takes the opportunity to hurl further obscenities at Moutinho. The poor figure stands there and bravely refuses to acknowledge the insults.
Then, a little bit later (56 seconds in the video), Ronaldo stands next to Moutinho (not to offer him apologies) to fix his hair. His jump of joy seconds later can only mean he saw himself on the big screen and was delighted with his greasy cut.
On 1:08 minutes, Ronaldo's distressed facial expression can only mean he is disappointed that his teammate has scored a penalty. (Expert note: Remember to emphasize this point as it will garner several retweets and likes).
The rest of the videos shows Ronaldo celebrating his teammates goals before joining his team to celebrate their win. Since Ronaldo is not supposed to do this, it is key that you cut out the end of the video so we can accurately portray Cristiano's character.
Once you have done this, your work is complete. Just remember to include a sensationalist headline (probably something like, "Ronaldo Shows He Is Not a True Leader In Portugal's Win Over Poland") and publish your article as soon as possible.
And that is all I have for today. I hope you have enjoyed this crash course in how to analyze articles like Spanish tabloids. To contact me, please email me at email@example.com or follow me on twitter @OmVArvind.
This is Om Arvind signing off.
- Managing Editor of the BS section for several Spanish tabloids -