Having just come back from a night of whistling at the Santiago Bernabeu, Alejandro Martínez has reportedly realized that flinging insults at Madrid players might actually be hurting his team’s chances of success. “It’s a real epiphany for me,” Alejandro told Managing Madrid reporters, as he sat down in a café re-thinking his life choices. “I always thought that whistling and hurling crass vulgarities at my favorite players spurred them onto success. I definitely didn’t engage in such behavior out of any sort of selfish or cathartic desire.”
As Alejandro leaned back in his chair and sipped some coffee, he noted how events in his childhood solidified the idea that an outpouring of negativity aids human development. “When I was a toddler and was learning how to walk, my parents would always scream obscenities at me whenever I fell down. “Get up you little midget shit!” they always used to say. “We’ll disown you if you can’t walk!” they often screamed.
Now looking deeply nostalgic, Alejandro continued his story. “In school, my teachers would always make it a point to single out underperforming students. One time, my English teacher picked on this one kid called Pedro, and it was the most motivational experience of my life. “Pedro you fucking piece of shit!” she raged. “‘Where’s your desire to learn?! Do you not give a single shit?!! I can’t believe you fucking spelled carrot wrong you worthless imbecile. Your dumbass should be expelled from school you stinking scummy piece of human excrement!!!’ All the students in the class would then whistle and jeer him just to ram home the point.”
“Pedro went on to drop out of high school and suffer from depression despite our class repeating this process over and over again,” Alejandro added as an aside.
Sitting up straight and shaking with feelings of euphoria, Mr. Martínez then went on to exclaim, “but oh my, this doesn’t even compare to the sense of motivation I get when my boss pulls me aside in front of all my co-workers so everyone can berate me endlessly. Being told that I’m a fucking disgrace to the company and that I don’t deserve to wear the company uniform really makes me want to work my ass off and die for this business.”
“But once I traveled abroad to places in Germany and even to places outside of Madrid,” said Alejandro sagely, “I realized that people actually found denigration to be incredibly rude and counterproductive. I always thought those fans who didn’t boo and whistle were pansies, but now I just realize that they were ahead of me the whole time.”
Sighing, Alejandro noted how he even used to go the extra mile and abuse players on twitter and facebook. “I was so committed to helping the team, I even went onto social media to say that ‘I hoped @GarethBale11 would die from his injury’ and to say that ‘@Benzema was a fat lazy piece of shit who should go fuck himself.’”
“I even went after Ronaldo, our greatest ever player and the guy who is renowned for working his ass off and never taking it easy. I told him that ‘he needed to stop being an egotistical entitled fuck if he wanted to keep his place ahead of some random chump in Castilla.’”
Looking slightly defensive, Alejandro concluded by saying, “You may think I’m stupid for only figuring this stuff out now, but I always thought that the word supporter was used in a sarcastic sense. Who knew that I was actually supposed to be supporting my team the whole time?”