A RANDOM CAFÉ IN MADRID, SPAIN - Expressing a deep desire to be remembered in this world, area referee Borja Rodríguez has reportedly declared that he wants to be the unquestioned star of El Clásico. “I’ve always wanted to be the main man,” Borja exclaimed. “I think it’s borne out the lack of attention I received in childhood. My mother and father would always ignore me whenever I accomplished something in school or sports, so I began to do increasingly dramatic and ridiculous things. This attitude eventually culminated into me becoming a referee. In this profession, I can take charge of things and force everyone to notice me.”
As if to explain what he meant, Borja suddenly jumped up and slapped his coffee onto the floor. Screaming random La Liga regulations, he ran up to a terrified waitress and brandished three yellow cards in front of her face. “THE COFFEE WAS OFFSIDE,” Borja bellowed. After eventually calming down and returning to his table, the balding referee began to excitedly discuss his plans to put himself on the Sunday covers of the Spanish tabloids.
“I’ll definitely send someone off,” he remarked gleefully. “Nah, you know what I’ll do?” he squealed, “I’ll let someone get away with a blatant foul; either a dive or a ridiculously violent tackle. It appears as if I’m not trying to be the alpha guy this way. It’s more subtle,” said Borja, tapping his head sagely.
At press time, Mr. Rodríguez admitted that he might just be gracious by letting his linesmen and assistants take all the glory. “I think I’ve had enough attention this season,” Borja admitted. “I’ll just let my pal González allow a blatantly offside goal or something.”