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Liverpool want to sign Sergio Ramos’ horse to replace Dejan Lovren at centre-back

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Jurgen Klopp wants Yucatan de Ramos to partner Virgil Van Dijk

Jurgen Klopp is ready to move on from Dejan Lovren, and has earmarked Sergio Ramos’ horse as a suitable upgrade.
Photo by Gareth Copley/Getty Images

Liverpool F.C. are poised to make a big-money move for Sergio Ramos’ horse Yucatan de Ramos in the upcoming winter transfer window, Managing Madrid has learned.

The Reds have grown increasingly dissatisfied with the cringe-worthy antics and mediocre performances of Croatian defender Dejan Lovren, prompting coach Jurgen Klopp to dispatch scouts to the Salón Internacional del Caballo (International Horse Show) in Seville last week to take in Yucatan’s performance.

Yucatan made a big impression on the watching scouts, bagging gold at the event and leaving Klopp in no doubt as to the identity of the missing piece he needs to shore up his back-line.

In an exclusive interview with Managing Madrid, Klopp revealed that Lovren’s Instagram posts have embarrassed the storied club, and that his limited footballing ability is simply not worth the social media hassle.

“Lovren brays like a mad-man on Instagram, but doesn’t back it up with performances on the pitch,” Klopp said.

The Gegenpressing-loving coach’s comments came after Lovren posted a photo of himself elbowing Ramos in an aerial duel during a recent Nations League clash between Croatia and Spain, in an Instagram post accompanied by some dumb-ass caption.

It’s reported that Ramos had to seek therapy following the incident, as the pain from the elbow contact and Lovren’s Instagram trolling completely negated all the glory and satisfaction the Real Madrid captain has amassed from his World Cup, two European Championships, four Champions League trophies and four LaLiga titles.

Klopp noted while Virgil Van Dijk has also been prone to some whinging and whining in recent days, the Dutchman can at least claim to be a world-class defender unlike his Croatian teammate.

“I’ve tried to get Dejan off his high horse and recognize that he’s 1/10th the player that Sergio Ramos is – on a good day – but he simply refuses to pony up and focus on his football,” an exasperated Klopp said.

“It’s like flogging a dead horse!”

Klopp opined that Yucatan’s gold medal at the high-profile Seville horse show was far more impressive than Lovren’s honours in 12 years of professional football, which are limited to Croatian league and cup titles and a French cup win.

“The last time Dejan won a trophy, Sergio Ramos had zero Champions League titles, Barack Obama was president of the U.S.A. and Instagram only had 40 million users, five per cent of how many they have now,” the former Borussia Dortmund coach observed.

“Football, social media and the world in general have changed completely since then, but Lovren has stagnated and remains what he was then – mediocre and just plain annoying,” he continued.

“I might not be able to sign Sergio Ramos, but signing his horse is the next-best thing. That beast has big-game acumen and a winning mentality in his genes!” Klopp raved.

“I’m sure the Kop will be delighted to have Yucatan in our stable.”

The German admitted that Liverpool’s star striker Mohammed Salah expressed concerns over the club bringing in a defender with the last name “Ramos.”

But the coach is shrewdly placating the Egyptian’s fears by assuring that Yucatan will not be allowed to execute regulation shoulder-to-shoulder challenges – the likes of which are only to be expected in any competitive and high-stakes match at the highest level, especially for players who play in the English Premier League which never ceases to remind everyone else how much tougher and more physical it is – in training.

[This article is a work of satire]