An Illustrated Poem: The Next Sensational Real Madrid Signing

The truth is finally revealed

The Earth is flat like the Bernabeu’s field

The Moon is a ball that spins around it

The Sun is a yellow card, that’s the reality we need

The stars in the sky are camera flashes

The players are here, the fans are gonna tweet

That it’s great to visit all these matches

Their addiction to football never will be healed

In Space, every bright idea turns into ashes

But the fans think this team will succeed

With the coach who always wears sunglasses

And never checks newsfeed

Sofi Serg

This Summer, the fake news is gonna blow

On the screen of your smartphone

Real Madrid still hopes to find Ronaldo’s clone

Who’s brave enough sit down on this throne?

All those famous superstars are still unknown

Real Madrid needs a leader with a heart of stone

Every player who leaves this club will be alone

And will try to gain followers on his own

Bro, didn’t you know?

Trust me, that is not cruel at all

Seems like the normal football is already gone

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Ramos is no more welcomed in the Egyptian pyramids

Haters say he did some awful things

They also mention some weird stuff about karma

So what? You know, a hater never wins

And ‘Modric for the Golden Ball’ is our newest mantra

But now it’s time for us to think

Who is gonna score at the Wanda?

Oh well, we really need Ronaldo

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Fashion trends for the new season:

Real Madrid is gonna wear Twitter Night Mode

The players are ready to decode La Liga’s secret code

Ronaldo’s in a prison garb, maybe he forgot to pay the tax

But he’s gonna be alright, relax

Flo Perez bought a formal suit, he better buy a fax

Or a talented player from Ajax

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The hottest football news:

The video of Vinicius’ skills reached five billion views

Neymar went crazy and got a thousand tattoos

Shock! Real Madrid completely forgot how to lose!

Kroos plays in every single match, there’s no excuse

He is exhausted and waiting for a muse

Mbappe will join Real Madrid in 2052

Whoever, Hazard will still play for the Blues

Shock! All the natural disasters across the globe

Are the fault of Benzema’s very awful shot

Experts say he would be better in any other sport

Real Madrid has to buy a decent striker on the spot

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Hurry up, a top match is about to start

In the league of the best football clubs

Real Madrid vs Real Madrid, it’s a pure football art

There are so many football stars

So don’t forget to check the stats

Varane has no idea what to do with all these cups

Now Valdebebas is located on Mars

Casillas is gonna land on the dark side of the Moon

Some postcards from him will arrive soon

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Sale!

50% discount on the transfer of Gareth Bale

Connect with his agent by email

In the last final, Bale played a fiery game

Wait, is he injured again?

Seems like misfortune twisted on the dragon’s tale

And now it’s the end of this fairytale

Bale’s gonna leave the club where he shot to fame

I heard he is linked with Marseille

Oh no, without him Real Madrid will definitely fail

Sofi Serg

Calm down,

Bale’s gonna stay, he failed the medical test

Flo Perez put Modric under house arrest

Well, uncle Flo is strict, but he knows best

I heard he also never rests

His job is making other teams depressed

Flo’s players are the best of the best

And they are proud to play for this badge on the chest

This club is his kingdom and you are just a guest

Are you a hater of him, just like the rest?

Then if you meet him you better run

He makes good things just for the fans

And he is gonna buy Messi, just for fun

Who cares about the transfer ban?

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Breaking! In the next few seasons

Real Madrid will sack 28 managers

Just like that, without any reasons

Go say what you think about it in 280 characters

The players don’t care about the fan’s feelings

I heard Mendes is planning some transfer dealings

Let’s hope it’s about James Rodriguez

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By the way, when is Lucas Silva gonna come back?

It’s a good question for the Mailbag

Sometimes the football world is like a bull

And Real Madrid is like a flag of red

The club’s trophy room is still not full, APorLaFinal hashtag

So yeah, go ahead and bet

On this club to win the Champions League back to back to back to back

And also La Liga, the Spanish Cup, the treble, the quadruple

Wait, here’s a fresh transfer rumour:

Real Madrid is gonna sign Comunicado Oficial

Please excuse the poet’s musty sense of humour

Sofi Serg

What a sensational drama:

Ramos said he’ll break up with his beloved yellow card

Yes, being a footballer is always very hard

Los Galacticos era is nothing but a cult

Casemiro is tired of being a midfield guard

Bale forgot that Ronaldo’s goal is in copyright

You can hear Isco calling ‘Drama!’ in his backyard

Being a footballer is incredibly hard

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Hey fans, cheer up!

Our team has the trophies of all kinds

And its counter-attacks are like the lightning strikes

So there’s nothing to discuss

You know, sometimes it seems like

Barcelona, Atletico and Juventus are gonna replace us

And get more retweets and likes

Don’t worry, guys

Real Madrid’s jersey can be covered with mud

But never with stripes

Sofi Serg

Right now Real Madrid is losing a pre-season game

Dude, who are you gonna blame today?

The club had to sell Ronaldo, there was no other way

There should be a ban for saying his annoying name

Because it’s all as clear as day

That our team will never be the same

Maybe we’ll reach the heights of fame

Or just will drown in the deepest shame

So, let’s help the players to find a new aim

Let’s burn all the rumours in the flame

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The new season has come like a sea breeze

Barca is gonna sail through it with ease

Dear R. Madrid, can you finally win La Liga, please?

Who knows how a loss in the Champions League final feels

For sure, Marcelo will write ‘2019’ on the knees

This team is not as arrogant as it seems

But these players are gonna ruin your dreams

Sofi Serg

Madridistas, be ready to party on the floor

Because Real Madrid’s new coach is J-Lo

Navas is gonna score the coolest free-kick goal

Messi and Ronaldo will be jealous, lol

Let’s find out who is the real GOAT

The best lucky charm ever is Zidane’s coat

Add some music to this poem and you’ll get a hit

Also, now it’s time to finally admit

Real Madrid has to buy some players whose are fit

For example, Pele and Maradona

Oh yeah, that would be lit

So be it!

Sofi Serg

Endnotes:

The coach who always wears sunglasses and never checks newsfeed - Real Madrid’s new coach Julen Lepetegui has some problems with his vision, that’s why always wears sunglasses during training sessions — even when it rains. He also deleted all his social media accounts a few weeks ago (probably to be more concentrated on work), so now he doesn’t check his newsfeed.

Ramos is no more welcomed in the Egyptian pyramids - a reference to Mohamed Salah’s injury in the Champions League final in 2018.

Who is gonna score at the Wanda - the Wanda Metropolitano is the home stadium of Atletico Madrid.

Real Madrid is gonna wear Twitter Night Mode - the colour of Real Madrid’s away jersey for this season is similar to Twitter Night Mode.

Ronaldo’s in a prison garb - a prison garb has some similarities to the Juventus jersey - it’s also white with black with horizontal stripes. This line is a reference to Cristiano Ronaldo’s problems with Spanish tax laws.

Florentino Perez better buy a fax - a reference to the failed transfer of David De Gea from Manchester United to Real Madrid on deadline day in the Summer 2015. The transfer fell through due to some problems with documents caused by a broken fax in Real Madrid’s office.

Now Valdebebas is located on Mars - Valdebebas (also known as Ciudad Real Madrid) is the club’s training ground located in the suburbs of Madrid.

Casillas is gonna land on the dark side of the Moon - a few weeks ago Iker Casillas posted a controversial tweet in which he casts doubt on the moon landing in 1969. The tweet caused a huge reaction among the press and the fans.

Misfortune twisted on the dragon’s tale - Gareth Bale’s nickname is The Welsh Dragon.

Flo Perez put Modric under house arrest - a reference to a complicated situation with the potential transfer of Luka Modric from Real Madrid. According to rumours, the player wants to leave but the club is not going to sell him.

Go say what you think about it in 280 characters - the maximum amount of characters in a Twitter post.

Mendes is planning some transfer dealings - Jorge Mendes is the football agent of many football superstars including Cristiano Ronaldo and James Rodriguez.

When is Lucas Silva gonna come back - Lucas Silva is a Real Madrid player who is currently on loan in Cruzeiro.

A good question for the Mailbag - you can read the latest one here.

A bull and a flag of red - a reference to Spanish corrida.

Comunicado Oficial - translates as “Official Announcement”. Real Madrid starts every announcement (including the ones about transfers) on social networks with this phrase and the fans get nervous and excited each time they see it in their newsfeed.

Bale forgot that Ronaldo’s goal is in copyright - a reference to Gareth Bale’s goal in the Champions League final 2018. This goal was very similar to Ronaldo’s one against Juventus and, according to rumours, Cristiano was quite annoyed that some sports media put Gareth’s goal higher in the ratings.

You can hear Isco calling ‘Drama!’ in his backyard - one of Isco’s dogs is named Drama.

Barca is gonna sail through it with ease - ‘Barca’ is a nickname of Barcelona football club, but it also means ‘boat’ in Spanish. So this line has a pun and can be interpreted in two ways: “Barcelona is gonna sail through it with ease” and “A boat is gonna sail through it with ease”.

Marcelo will write ‘2019’ on the knees - Marcelo has a tattoo of the Champions League cup on his left knee. The tattoo also includes all successful dates for him in this tournament - 2014, 2016, 2017, 2018.

Real Madrid’s new coach is J-Lo - Julen Lopetegui’s nickname is J-Lo, but it’s also the nickname of an American pop singer Jennifer Lopez (and one of her hit songs is called “On The Floor”).

GOAT - an acronym for Greatest Of All Time.

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Beware of the fake news.