New La Liga Ball Technology Requires Gareth Bale To Speak Three Lines Of Impeccable Spanish In Order To Pass Or Shoot

Through anonymous sources, Managing Madrid have succeeded in acquiring documents detailing the technology behind La Liga’s footballs, which explain why Gareth Bale has been struggling this season. According to one of the documents, La Liga, in partnership with Nike, placed language recognition software in all La Liga footballs at the start of the 2018/19 season.

The hi-tech upgrade revolutionized the art of kicking, moving the emphasis from technical ability to familiarity with the Spanish language.

Thus, instead of utilizing one’s own physical strength, eye-foot coordination, and kinesthetic sense in order to pass or shoot, players have had to recite three lines of Spanish in the subjunctive tense in order move the ball. The accuracy of the ball’s flight depends on the players’ grammatical correctness, the accuracy of their syntax, and the variety of their vocabulary.

Indeed, these confidential documents explain why Vinícius Júnior has played so well this season, with some of the most trusted outlets in Spain noticing the connection.

These paragons of journalistic virtue were also the first to spot that Gareth Bale has seemingly struggled to learn Spanish, and have done their utmost to constantly inform their readers of this incredibly crucial information.

Managing Madrid have also obtained secret texts that further support the Spanish media’s observations. In August of 2018, Julen Lopetegui sent multiple messages to Gareth Bale emphasizing the need to spend extra training sessions studying Spanish. The thick-headed foreigner appeared to make no progress, using “ustedes” instead of “vosotros” on numerous occasions.

In a text from only a few weeks ago, Bale told Santiago Solari that he was done practicing Spanish. For awhile, fans have speculated that Bale’s lack of Spanish speaking may be down to a lack of confidence, but this confirms that he is in fact a lazy, entitled primadonna.

Consequently, it is unlikely that anything will motivate Bale at this point, though Solari could try to highlight the value of learning Spanish outside the profession of football. If Bale were to become fluent or demonstrate his acquisition of the language more regularly, he could better interact with a benevolent media and fanbase that has treated him with the utmost respect and decency since his arrival in 2013.

STAY TUNED for Managing Madrid’s upcoming transfer rumor on Sergio Agüero, who has coincidentally become one of the best goal scorers in Premier League history while barely knowing or speaking English.